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Wisecrack Zodiac

Time:2016-12-01 06:08Shoes websites Click:

Wisecrack Zodiac

Aries: You can leap over tall buildings in a single bound after a jumpstart on Monday. Pro tip: Next time, don't put the battery cables down your underwear. It takes forever to get the scorch stains out.

Taurus: The oasis of sanity calls to you, but you have to dog-paddle through the neck-deep river of bat-crap crazy first. Lounge chairs are provided, but you must bring your own towel.

Gemini: Don't worry; the first steps on any journey are immediately backtracked so you can check and see if you left the stove on. Once your mental gremlins are satisfied, you can continue on your way.

Cancer: Tuesday brings a cornucopia of weird surprises and a bellyache. Basically, it's Thanksgiving Day with your family all over again.

Leo: Your boss sees you as a brave worker ant, but you know you're a dung beetle, rolling the same crap up the hill every day. Let someone else push the ball for a while; you've earned a break. And a shower.

Virgo: Have you forgotten something? Phone? Check. Keys? Check. Kids? Check. Wait a minute ... weren't there three yesterday? Better retrace your steps before your ignored child calls you out on Snapchat.

Libra: Prepare yourself for the lightning strike of sudden success. Make sure your shoes are rubber-soled and for heaven's sake, don't wear an underwire bra. That goes double for the ladies.

Scorpio: Everyone thinks you're the epitome of beauty and grace. Only you know you walk that way so no one tries to snap your thong and make your eyes pop out. Yeah, let them keep believing the beauty and grace thing.

Sagittarius: Dance like no one is watching. Truthfully, they couldn't look at you for long anyway. Those moves scare cattle and set off earthquake detectors. When you get up to full speed, you're a bit of a blur.

Capricorn: Kindness and compassion will take you far, but sucking up to your boss will get you a Christmas bonus. If you're really talented, you can do both. Consider it multitasking.

Aquarius: What you accomplish this week will keep historians mystified for ages. Leave a note telling them it involved an open-minded platypus and a roller skating rink made of Jell-O. They may name a school after you.

Pisces: Good things come in small packages, but the awesome stuff comes in HD TV-shaped boxes. Open them all, now is not the time to be picky. After the shower of gifts, write the universe a lovely thank-you note, and wear the scarf Karma knitted you at least once.

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